Tired of seeing so many stories on rape in the news? Wondering if it’s the woman’s fault for daring to wear what she wants? Do all Indian men really have a built-in trigger that renders them unable to stop themselves?

Don’t look any further. Your trusted leaders and neta-jis are here to answer all your questions and more. The next time you find yourself thinking your country is really unsafe for women, just consult this handy guide of gyaan and vishesh tipnis by the beloved politicians you voted into office. Pay attention, you might learn a thing or two:

1) ARE YOU LIVING IN BHARAT…OR INDIA?

If you live in India, do you still live in Bharat, or does living in Bharat require not living in India? Please to explain. According to Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh chief Mohan Bhagwat, “Crimes against women happening in urban India are shameful. It is a dangerous trend. But such crimes won’t happen in ‘Bharat’ or the rural areas of the country. You go to villages and forests of the country and there will be no such incidents of gang-rape or sex crimes.”

While you’re busy trying to figure out if you live in India or Bharat, a few more sexual assault and rape crimes will be taking place, probably in both places.

2) WHAT IS THE WOMAN WEARING?

We all know India is a land of great freedoms where women are worshipped, blah blah blah. But if a woman is wearing revealing clothes, she is actually responsible for inviting harassment from the men who were otherwise worshipping her.

This theory is wholeheartedly supported by many of our leaders and trusted upholders of the moral code. Trinamool Congress legislator Dipak Chakraborty offered the following explanation: “Eve-teasing is a very old thing. It has been going on for ages. One of the reasons behind the increase in incidents of eve-teasing is short dresses and short skirts worn by women. This in turn instigates young men.”

Bharatiya Janata Party MLA Banwari Lal Singhal agrees with this hypothesis, suggesting that girls in Rajasthan should not wear skirts as a school uniform if they want to reduce harassment by boys. Covering up the girls, rather than actually dealing with the issue, seems to be the way to go: “It should be prohibited keeping in view the rise of social crimes against women. The school should have pant-shirts or salwar suits as uniforms for girl students.”

3) IS SHE DENTED AND/OR PAINTED?

Congress MP Abhijit Mukherjee, son of President Pranab Mukherjee, made a beautifully articulate statement about the women protesting rape after the December 16, 2012 gangrape in Delhi. It went something like this: “Those who claim to be students – I can see many beautiful women among them – highly dented-painted [sic] – they’re giving interviews on TV, they’ve brought their children to show them the scenes. I have grave doubts whether they’re students, because women of that age are generally not students.”

If anyone out there understands what that means, please do let us know.

4) DOES SHE HAVE A MOBILE PHONE?

Various scientific studies might link mobile phones to cancer and other health problems, but in India, allowing mobile phones are directly linked to rape. But only when carried by women. The solution to this was provided by the Anjuman Muslim Panchayat in Salumbur, Rajasthan, who decreed that girls are not allowed to use mobile phones outside their own homes. The justification? “Why does a girl need a mobile? What does she have to communicate?” Okay, then.

They aren’t the only ones that feel this way. Bahujan Samaj Party leader Rajpal Saini adds to this very valid point: “There is no need to give phones to women and children. It distracts them and is useless. Why do women need phones? My mother, wife and sister never had mobile phones. They survived without one”. Also, if they used these mobile phones to call someone for help,it might distract them from being raped.

5) WAS SHE INTERACTING WITH BOYS OF HER OWN FREE WILL?

Freedom and the open market is a bad thing (or so says the Anti-Communist):

Didi (West Bengal Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee) says: “Earlier if men and women would hold hands, they would get caught by parents and reprimanded but now everything is so open. It’s like an open market with open options. Rapes happen because men and women interact freely.”

(Sounds like Communist-talk to me.)

6) WAS THE RAPE JUST A SILLY MISTAKE BY THE BOY?

Boys can be silly. They make mistakes all the time. Could this “rape”, as you call it, simply be a bit of fun? Samajwadi Party head Mulayam Singh Yadav, known for his well-intentioned and highly effective governance, questioned the sentencing of three men convicted for gangrape by delivering this pearl of wisdom:

“Boys and girls…later they had differences, and the girl went and gave a statement that I have been raped. And then the poor fellows, three of them have been sentenced to death. Should rape cases lead to hanging? Boys are boys, they make mistakes. Two or three have been given the death sentence in Mumbai. We will try and change such laws…we will also ensure punishment of those who report false cases…”

7) DID SHE TRY CALLING HER RAPIST HER BROTHER?

Self-styled guru, Asaram Bapu believes that calling your rapist your brother should make him stop instantly. It makes us wonder if that same advice worked when he was allegedly raping a 16-year-old girl.

8) WOMEN SHOULDN’T BE HAVING SEX ANYWAY.

Abu Azmi, Mulayam Singh Yadav’s competent fellow party leader, made sure he wasn’t far behind his colleague. Adding to Yadav’s statement about boys making mistakes, Azmi declared: “If a woman is caught (in a rape case), then both she and the boy should be punished. In India, there is death penalty for rape, but when there’s consensual sex outside marriage, there’s no death penalty against women.”

At this point, you might want to laugh. Or rip your hair out. Or both. Because, what else can you do?

9) CHILD MARRIAGE MUST BE THE ANSWER.

Child marriage should fix the problem. Haryana Khap Panchayat’s Sube Singh suggests: “I think that girls should be married at the age of 16, so that they have their husbands for their sexual needs, and they don’t need to go elsewhere. This way rapes will not occur.”

If none of the above steps apply, then there must be only one plausible answer:

10) BLAME THE CHINESE

Whenever you don’t want to look at yourselves critically, the easy answer is always right next door: blame the Chinese.

Hindi-Cheeni bhai-bhai sure can be a delicious combination, but don’t get fooled. It’s a trap to hormonally imbalance you and lead you to rape someone. In the wise words of Jitendar Chattar, leader of a Khap Panchayat in Jind, Haryana:

“To my understanding, consumption of fast food contributes to such incidents. Chow mein leads to hormonal imbalance evoking an urge to indulge in such acts.”

(But…we like chow mein!)

We bet you’re now wishing that our political leaders were incapable of forming sentences altogether. If you can’t say something sensible, don’t say anything at all. RaGa follows this strategy well: