I will have to reiterate this point several times in this piece because it’s possible for readers to assume that I am condoning bullying, physical violence or assault in boarding schools. That is not what I am doing — so that was Clarification-1.

The horrific Scindia School bullying case made bullying/ragging a news point and the story was carried prominently on prime-time television and in newspapers. Children are the most precious and vulnerable resource for any society, and we are doubly obliged to protect them on moral grounds and for societal well-being. It is only appropriate that this kind of story gets media space.

Over the past few days, I read a whole bunch of articles and social-media posts that end up condemning (maybe unintentionally) all-boys boarding schools specifically, and suggesting that all aggression or conflict in boarding schools amounts to bullying or ends in violence. That is very far from the truth. I am not condoning bullying, physical violence or assault in boarding schools, but not all aggression or conflict amounts to those crimes (Clarification-2).

I have spent 12 years in two all-boy schools (Welham Boys’ School – 1980-86 and The Doon School – 1986-92) and I find this tendency to go overboard trashing boys-only boarding schools an incorrect response. This is a discipline issue and is applicable to all educational institutions — boarding or not, boys only or co-ed.

To turn this into some uniquely public-school syndrome doesn’t help identify or isolate the causes. Not to mention it’s simply false.

Unfair and rough interactions in boarding schools are not always “bullying” in the dire sense of the word. Much of what we encounter in life is “bullying” by those standards. Much of what politicians do to journalists, senior bureaucrats to junior ones or industrialists to government officials or the other way round, depending on who needs what from whom at the time, can be called “bullying”. Here I am not speaking about physical assault, sodomy and violence and I am not condoning bullying, physical violence or assault in boarding schools, but not all aggression, conflict or imbalanced power interactions amounts to those crimes (Clarification-3).

Isn’t the idea of school to learn to handle what life throws at you? To prepare you for what comes next? Not just academically, but also socially? To treat the world we live in and the schools we go to as two disjointed isolated spaces is a mistake. My friends and I have done physical drills as punishment at midnight, in our underwear, in the freezing cold of Dehradun. We survived them and, in fact, the next day we would laugh about how angry it must make our prefect to have to shave time off his study hour — because every moment he was supervising our drill was minutes off his board-exam preparation. We could catch up on our sleep over the weekend, but he wasn’t getting a second attempt at his exam paper.Talk about getting even.

When I read blog posts or see Facebook comments expecting school to be some cradle couched in petals and cotton candy for us to be mollycoddled, I have to say that’s simply unrealistic and undesirable.

Boarding schools for boys have a certain ambience. Most adolescent boys on the cusp of gawkiness and puberty aren’t politically correct, sensitive and gentle lads. Some perhaps are, then there are those who are obnoxious insensitive dicks, there are the aloof dreamers, there are the whiny brats who share nothing and have nothing shared with them in turn (which leads to another cycle of whining for having been excluded and so on), there are the happy geeks, unhappy geeks, the upright, the social climbers/sidekicks to the strong and popular and so on – just like in life. And each kind finds their space in an environment where adult supervision or interference is little.

It’s not an environment for everybody. But one really has to be a drama king (if I put queen there I’d be labeled the typical sexist, all-boys school product, no?) to say it’s all bad, as if these are some concentration camps with unspeakable atrocities happening. They’re not. They are very happy places as well. The species that we belong to has a variety of personality types (that undergo changes at puberty) and to expect them all to gather into a gentle, sensitive, politically-correct army marching to hymns will lead to disappointment. I am not condoning bullying, physical violence or assault in boarding schools, but not all aggression or conflict or territory sparring amounts to those crimes (Clarification-4).

This is true for girls boarding as well. I have heard anecdotes from several friends who attended girls boarding (including Madhu Trehan) about their experiences there. There were cliques and gangs and potential trouble makers who were dealt with. Without doubt, there is a need to instill in children the confidence to take matters to authorities when it crosses a certain line and that is true in any environment or organisation – school, college or office – all boys or co-ed.

There are several institutions that have no sense of discipline and that’s hardly limited to all-boys boarding. In fact, I was only exposed to the gunda culture of beating each other up when I came to Delhi and met boys from Delhi schools with the “Janta hai mera baap kaun hai” type aggression. In the school I came from, in fact, it was precisely the janta hai mera baap kaun hai folks who went through a harder time than others. But not all schools in Delhi were like that. We knew of schools where kids formed gangs to beat people up and where kids would bully shopkeepers and rediwalas outside their gate by taking stuff and not paying. They were not boarding or all-boys – that had nothing to do with it. Similarly, there are some boarding schools that have no sense of discipline and some do. Scindia had a reputation back then too.  However, there is no boarding-all-boys-bullying connection.

In my view, all-boys boarding environments are among the healthiest environment for many. The sense of earning your respect, fighting for your space and establishing your identity away from adoring and indulgent adults is great. That environment is hard on some, but can bring out the best in others (as Calvin’s dad says about things he hates, it builds character).

Marriages are great for some and claustrophobic for others. Convents and Madarsas are fantastic for some and are overly Jesus/Allah-loving, hymn-singing, warped moral code-imposing institutions for others. Whatever works for you.

While it is incumbent on authorities to ensure discipline in institutions, it is a parent’s job to figure out what environment is best for your child. But to demolish the sometimes aggressive environment in all-boys boarding just because it’s not for you, is unfair. I am not condoning bullying, physical violence or assault in boarding schools, but not all aggression or conflict or sparring for territory amounts to those crimes (Clarification-5).

The only reason I write this is because since last week many people around me seem to conclude that all-boys schools are horrible places and “my child is not going there” is a recurring refrain. It’s not that bad. They’re great and your son could thank you all his life for it.
Labelling every difficult interaction as assault or ragging or bullying belittles the suffering of those who have genuinely faced assaults, sexual aggression and serious ragging.

Bullying warps your sense of fairness and entitlement, stunts social skills and messes up one’s idea of dignity, but so does being an oversensitive whiner and blaming the world when confronting slightly tough situations. While correctly condemning the former let’s not indulge the latter.