The one thing we can conclusively say after watching former Aam Aadmi Party (AAP) minister Sandeep Kumar’s alleged ‘sex tape’ is that Indian journalists have a pretty bland sex life. Especially those working in Hindi TV news.

How else would you explain the current outrage over what is quite obviously an act of consensual sex? To those who have raised doubts, please don’t go by what ABP News’s arrow did to the bolster.

Since we don’t think the video contains anything ‘appatijanak’ or ‘objectionable’, a little on what exactly this ‘sex tape’ contains.

From what we saw, it’s difficult to ascertain if the man in the video is indeed Kumar – who ever this man is, he seems thinner. It’s filmed in a room that looks like a run-down hostel. The man and woman kiss, she smiles, they fondle each other, they kiss some more and fondle some more. There’s conversation, she proceeds to give him a blowjob, helps him put on a condom, gets on top of him and they have sex.

To think that this is what got the country’s media’s knickers in a twist. We were expecting 69 at the very least.

The fact that Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal in a video called it ‘galat kaam’ didn’t help either. But we’ll get to his middle-class morality later.

It must be added that at the end of the video, the man is seen turning the video camera away, which raises questions if the woman knew she was being filmed and had consented to it. But the media predictably didn’t explore that aspect.

‘Yeh Dekhiye, Aa Gaye Mantri Sandeep Kumar’  

The story broke on ABP News and Times Now. ABP report kicked off with an explanation as to why the channel decided to air this news – because AAP came to power on the promise of “saaf-sutri”, or clean, politics, its ministers shouldn’t be having sex.

That Kumar was Women and Child Development minister was stressed. Judgments were passed on the fact that the lady with him seems old and possibly married (presumably because she’s sporting a red bindi). We were told the nine-minute video could not be aired because it is “behad appatijanak” (very objectionable). The ticker read: “Aap’ Ka Bahut Bada Sex Scandal”.

ABP also underlined that Kumar is allegedly filmed with one woman and photographed with another. Both in appatijanak situations. The channel said it couldn’t vouch for the authenticity of the video, that it wasn’t sure where or when it was shot, by whom and for what purpose. But, chhi! Sex.

Aaj Tak in its report had Punya Prasoon Vajpayee starting off thus: “Ek andolan se nikli party, naitikta ke sab se unche paidaan se cheekhne waali us party ka naam, Aam Aadmi Party, lekin aaj uska chehra sabse daag daar hai, sabse bhadda hai.” (A party that has come out of a movement, the party that took the high moral ground, its name is Aam Aadmi Party. But today its face is most tainted, most ugly.)

The background score belonged in a Ramsay Brothers’ movie and the ticker read: “Kejriwal Ke Mantri Ka Dirty Game”.

The report hilariously observed that Kumar was given charge of Scheduled Caste and Scheduled Tribe Welfare department, but that he was busy in a different type of ‘welfare’. The language was right out of a Balaji Telefilms soap: “satta ki malai kha karke, Kejriwal ke mantriyon ka charitra bhi khokla hone laga hai”. (Too painful to translate.)

The report also said that Kumar was perhaps made women and child development minister so he could work for their welfare, but he used his position for this “ganda kaam”.

Note that we don’t know whether this video was shot at the time he was minister or before. An ABP journalist had tweeted yesterday that the video is from his college days and then deleted the tweet.

Vajpayee ended with: “bahut trazeedidayak hai…” Such a calamity.

India TV aired the report on its special show, ‘Yakeen Nahin Hota’ (Can’t Believe It). The reporter called Kumar ‘aiyyash’ (characterless) and said he could be seen doing ‘aiyyashi’ with women. “CD, Sex Scandal Aur Cabinet Mantri,” announced the reporter, informing us that the CD shows Kumar with two women (“do do mahilaon ke saath”). Incidentally, he meant pen drive, but that’s a separate problem.

One “CD” reportedly has 11 pictures of Kumar with a woman and the other has a nine-minute video with the second woman. India TV asserted that when the “CD” was being made, Kumar was Cabinet Minister. Later, the anchor said it’s not clear when or where the CD was made.   

Arnab Goswami on Times Now in his little piece to camera said Kejriwal knew that Kumar was using his position to get sexual favours. It’s again not clear how the nine-minute video establishes that, but hey, why let logic get in Goswami’s way. “After racism, after forgery…now a sex scandal. I don’t know what’s next.”

Times Now also carried bytes from people like Delhi Commission for Women Chief Swati Maliwal who said, Kumar’s acts were “extremely horrifying and absolutely shameful” and National Commission for Women Chief who said if Kejriwal is serious about protecting women, Kumar must go.

Watching all the media drama around Kumar, the following questions came to mind:

What is wrong with these journalists?

How sad is their sex life?

Do they go into self-loathing and scream ‘appatijanak’ every time they orgasm?

Do they wear clothes and have sex?

What does Arvind Kejriwal have against fish?

While we get that a minister caught having sex with anyone other than his wife is just begging to be sacrificed at the altar of TRP, the moral outrage is baffling. What are the facts of this ‘sex scandal’? Only that Kumar had a sexual relationship with two women, neither of whom are his current wife. That’s it. There’s no charge of rape or use of force or coercion. We don’t know when it was shot, but judging from the room, it seems unlikely that this was a Minister abusing his office (literally and metaphorically). Yet channels like ABP News decided it must have a bearing on his position as Cabinet minister. Aaj Tak’s anchor thought it fit to label Kumar as bhadda for this. Ugly. It’s ugly that he had sex.

Aam Aadmi morality

The media’s eagerness to milk the ‘sex video’ was only trumped by Kejriwal. Within half an hour of watching it, he decided it was ‘galat harkat’ and sacked Kumar. “Mujhe bahut dukh hua,” he says. “Kisi ke maathe pe nahin likha ki woh kaisa hai?” (“I felt really bad…it’s not written on someone’s forehead how he is.”)

Towards the end, he equated Kumar with a ‘gandi machhli’ (dirty fish).

Before the Opposition or Bharatiya Janata Party-favouring channels could pounce on Kejriwal for inaction, he decided he’d turn it around to hold forth from his high moral perch.

Meanwhile, Kumar resorted to claiming he’s being victimised  for being a Dalit. That he is, but perhaps not because he’s Dalit. Maybe because he had sex and had fun while he was at it. Or maybe because there are elections round the corner in Punjab and so all ‘dirty’ linen must be either stashed or disowned.

Update: Two days after this article was posted, the woman in the video lodged a complaint of rape against Kumar and stated that the CD was made after he became a minister. Kumar has surrendered to the police.