“A specter is haunting India, the specter of jihad,” Karl Marx might have said had he been alive today (and as interested in India as I). However, this jihad is marinated in the warm sauce of love. And while some of you might recognise a certain oxymoron in putting the two words together, know that never in the history of India has it been clearer that the single greatest threat facing our mighty, great nation is not the coronavirus pandemic or the nosedivising economy or hunger or totalitarianism, but men. Tall, virile, beefcakes of men, pretending to be lovers, beguiling us with their charms, only to break our hearts by asking us to praise Allah, because that is what their goal was, all along. And let me warn you, once you go to Islam you can never go back to Jai Shri Ram.

That’s why, remember, that at least three Indian states have instituted or are contemplating “love jihad” laws. If you’re a cavedweller with only a Newslaundry subscription, let us walk through what “love jihad” is. It is a coordinated plot by Muslim men all across India and even abroad (looking at you, Fawad Khan) to hoodwink Hindu women into marrying them with the express purpose of converting them to Islam. Why? To increase the population of Muslims in India and the world, of course.

If you are one of those feminazis who thinks this sounds ridiculous, say hello to Chetna Devi or, as she’s better known in the wild wild west Uttar Pradesh, Yati Maa Chetnanand Saraswati Devi. She’ll explain to you “scientifically” how Muslim men are just more sensuous than Hindu men: they generally grow up in poor households where they are privy to adult intimacy, making them adept lovers, among other things. Mind you, Devi ji is both religious leader and lawyer and, as is evident from this sermon, anthropologist as well as sexuality counselor, perhaps even biologist, I mean who’s counting. She’s really an Indian renaissance woman.

Now, since we so obviously know that Muslim men are spreading love to our women folk in preparation for waging war on us, we must ask why we Hindu men aren’t being taught this secret art of “hoitus coitus nasty” to counter the charm onslaught on our ladies? After all, as some would accurately argue, we are the people of Kamasutra! One might also ponder, since being poorer than Hindus in general has turned out to be such a deadly weapon for Muslims, as Devi ji has so perceptively noted, shouldn’t we deploy the Marxist ideal of wealth redistribution to contain this inequity? Oh, junk that thought, actually. As our Sangh elders would tell you, and let me warn you if you haven’t heard them, that socialist road is laden with red flags!

This brings us to the next question: why is poverty such a boon? If there’s one thing all of us have learned from watching Hindi films it’s that the poor hero (Aamir, Salman...you see the pattern?) always ends up winning over the rich hot-headed, oft mollycoddled heroine. From socioecomic numbers, it’s clear that, statistically, a Muslim man is far more likely to be poor than a Hindu. So, we must ask, what’s Bollywood trying to teach us? Is the industry colluding with Muslims to normalise love jihad? Should we not call this “Bollywood jihad”?

On the other hand, when Bollywood makes a movie about a Dickensian yet lionhearted Hindu boy, brimming with 56 inches of courage, he ends up all alone. Recently, I watched a film in which a poor patriotic Hindu boy who sells tea and slogans for a living, grows up to be the most powerful man in the country, and still ends up wifeless. Seeing such travesty unfold onscreen, one is moved to ask what is the agenda, bhai? In all honesty, even I, a cis-het straight man most of the time, have somtimes found myself drowning in the depths of the dreamy eyes of a certain Shahrukh Khan. And I have had to resort to reading Ramcharitmanas front and back twice, just to get a grip on my reality.

From Sun Tzu to Henry Kissinger, all great thinkers of warfare would tell you that to take on the enemy you must develop artillery as well as human resources that can compete with theirs. This is perhaps why our honorable government isn’t just enacting laws against love jihad, they are also actively ensuring that our economic growth continues to fall so that more and more Hindu families are driven to live in smaller and smaller homes, facilitating the coaching of young Hindu men in the secret art of synchronised swimming in the sack.

Now when you see GDP growth fall way below zero, realise that it is really a smart strategy by our honourable government to fulfill the promise of “Beti Bachao” – from the Muslim man. Yes, the slogan is not a jumla, if you were wondering. By enabling the economy to fall off the cliff, our wise leaders are essentially protecting our innocent girls who don’t know what’s good for them. Once one understands this, one cannot help but feel excited reading that Bangladesh is overtaking India economically and pray that Pakistan follows suit. For that would mean we Hindus would not only be saved from love jihad (this plot, remember, has been hatched abroad), we could wage our own love jihad against our neighbours...I mean “love prasad”. Thank you, Devi ji, for opening our eyes!

To be fair, I should mention that there appears to be some disagreement around the idea propounded by Chetna Devi Ji. The newest intellectual icon of Hindutva and self-certified orgasm inspector Tejasvi Surya had declared a few years earlier that 95 percent women in the predominantly Muslim Middle East never experienced orgasm. What happened to the bewitching Muslim men? Devi ji would likely argue that this doesn’t refute her point. You see, the Gulf nations are relatively wealthy so their men don’t grow up in cozy, intimate homes. See, you have to be poor to learn the forbidden arts of Netflix and chill. Thank you again, Devi ji!

It’s, therefore, time we told the farmers protesting impending pauperisation and the opposition parties demanding better pandemic management to take a hike. What they are demanding, we should tell them in no uncertain terms, will improve people’s lives. We can’t under any circumstances allow that, for it would undermine our greatest battle, of gland-to-gland combat.

It must be explained to them that no real Indian would ever doubt our sagely leader’s, and Chetna Devi ji’s, wisdom, and whoever does so is anti-national, period. Such tukde tukde gang members want poorer Hindu folks to get rich and live better lives so they give up on our women, leaving them to be corrupted by wizarding Muslim hombres with their secret horcrux of masculinity, poetic enchantments, and the most abundunt fortune of poverty. Which allows them to use their sorcerer’s stone around the chamber of secrets of our women, letting them release their prisoners of Azkaban into that goblet of fire as per the order of their phoenix to eventually create some half-blood princes to fight the war of deathly hallows, thus making us, poor Hindu men, the cursed children.